Annoying Things to Do in an Elevator

• Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, “Shut up, all of you, just shut up!”
• Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask, “Got enough air in there?”
• When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, and then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.
• Meow occasionally.
• Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.
• Say, “Ding,” at each floor.
• Say, “I wonder what all these do?” and push all the red buttons.
• Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.
• When the elevator is silent, look around and ask, “Is that your beeper?”
• Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, “This is my personal space.”
• When there’s only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder, then pretend it wasn’t you.
• Ask, “Did you feel that?”
• Call the Psychic Hotline from your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you’re on.
• Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, “That’s mine!”
• Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.
• Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.
• When the doors close, announce to the others, “It’s okay. Don’t panic, they open up again.”
• Swat at flies that don’t exist.
• Make race-car noises when anyone gets on or off.
• Show other passengers a wound and ask if it looks infected.
• Start a sing-along.
• Carry a blanket and clutch it protectively.
• Sing “Mary Had a Little Lamb” while continually pushing buttons.
• Bring a chair along.
• Lean against the button panel.
• Call out, “Group hug!” and then enforce it.

Best Out-of-Office Auto Replies

• I am currently out at a job interview and will reply to you if I fail to get the position. Be prepared for my mood.
• You are receiving this automatic notification because I am out of the office. If I was in, chances are you wouldn’t have received anything at all.
• I will be unable to delete all the unread, worthless e-mails you send me until I return from vacation on April 4. Please be patient and your mail will be deleted in the order it was received.
• Thank you for your e-mail. Your credit card has been charged $5.99 for the first 10 words and $1.99 for each additional word in your message.
• The e-mail server is unable to verify your server connection and is unable to deliver this message. Please restart your computer and try sending again. (The beauty of this is that when you return, you can see how many individuals did this over and over.)
• Thank you for your message, which has been added to a queuing system. You are currently in 352nd place, and can expect to receive a reply in approximately 19 weeks.
• I’ve run away to join a different circus.