Shifting Tides by Emma McGlashan

When my eldest son, Callum, was born 10 years ago, I was filled with immense joy. Holding his tiny hand in neonatal intensive care, I went numb as I heard the words “your son has Trisomy 21” from his consultant paediatrician.

The numbness was replaced quickly with more love and pride for my son than I could have ever imagined. My only hesitation at the time was a thought: “Will I ever be able to work again?” I look back at this with embarrassment and anger, because I couldn’t have been more wrong, but I just didn’t know what was ahead on the route life had carved out for us. I took a lot of comfort and reassurance by a passage from Emily Pearl Kingsley called “A Trip to Holland,” which I have included an excerpt of here.

My husband, Gregor, and I are both associate dentists working in mixed practice in Northern Ireland. After Callum was born, we made the decision to remain as associates for the medium term, to dedicate as much of our time outside of work as possible to Callum and Harry (now 10 and 7).

We could not continue to work without the incredible support from our families and from our nanny, Samantha, who is also Callum’s carer. We want Callum to be integrated into the community and have a fulfilled life as possible. Sam takes him to Cub Scouts, rugby and other groups to provide support without having his mum or dad hanging around.

I think dentistry can be amenable to having a family, especially like ours. We decided that I would decrease my working hours to three days per week. This gave me the opportunity to attend as many appointments with various therapists and doctors for Callum while minimising my time off work. I can recall having more than 20 appointments a month for a period of time before he started nursery. Gregor continued to work full time in a local practice.

In finding a work/life balance, I have learned a few lessons over the years. The most important advice is that there is no one-size-fits-all formula for any family. Comparing yourself to others never works; you have to find what works for you, because every family is unique. Take time to design your own work/life balance and don’t be afraid of being judged about it.

When I researched work/life balance of parents with kids with a learning disability ,I couldn’t find a single positive article. I trawled through quotes such as “Work at the University of Ottawa studied 197 employed moms of kids with special needs. She found that 40 percent of these mums had switched jobs, reduced hours or refused promotions because of their intense parenting responsibilities.”

This has driven me to write an article with a more positive outlook. Work/life balance is constantly evolving. This is very appropriate for our family, because we find that as soon as we’ve created a “balance” that works, the tide can shift and we are working at rebuilding it.

When both boys went off to school, we revisited what we wanted to achieve professionally. We are both passionate about our careers and spend a significant amount of time out of the country on our chosen interests.

Gregor chose to develop skills in oral surgery and implantology. He is back and forth to Nottingham on courses and now working with The Campbell Academy.

I have developed an interest in orthodontics and have undertaken a year course with the IAS academy in London and am now working for them. Gregor has recently taken a position in a specialist oral surgery/implant practice, which is too far to commute. As a result, he works three long days a week and is away during this time.

This job was important to him and his career, so we have been working on adapting the balance once again to make this work for us. It is hard work when he is away and the boys do miss him, but quickly forget about it when he picks them up from school on the days he is home. We have a rule between us that we are not both away, either working or on a course, because we believe this would disturb the balance for the boys.

We work hard at trying to integrate our passions of work and family life. Gregor and I don’t work weekends and try whenever possible to keep studying and treatment planning to a minimum. This is our family time, and we support both the boys on the sidelines of their respective rugby pitches.

We schedule time off together at the end of each school term and ensure a two-week holiday during the summer break. We both believe that two full weeks together gives us time to recharge and get some quality time.

Reflecting on my thoughts about the future 10 years ago when Callum was born, I have realised that change is inevitable and the only true constant in life. Fighting change was not conducive to our happiness, so we have learned to embrace it and make changes work for us.

Life can set us out on a different path than we anticipated, but it’s about how we adapt and making the most of our new route that will give us the most fulfilment. I can say with my hand on my heart that there isn’t a day that goes by that Callum either exceeds my expectations or has me in fits of laughter with his mischievous antics.

Some of the challenges we have faced have made us stronger, and dentistry has given us the flexibility to achieve the balance that works for us as the tides change.