Dentally Incorrect: Marketing Mumbo Jumbo

Buyer persona
A methodically computed summary of a company’s ideal consumer, used as a target acquisition system ... with the accuracy of an Acme DIY rocket strapped onto the back of Wile E. Coyote.

Conversion path
The labyrinth of deceit, lies and empty promises you hope will entice potential buyers to go for the moldy carrot under the box-and-stick trap you mistakenly think is the company’s greatest means of capturing new leads.

Cost-per-lead
The absolutely intangible, unquantifiable losses you’re willing to endure to your pride, self-esteem, family, friends and mental health, turned into a soulless mathematical calculation that determines how much it might cost to attract someone.

Dynamic content
Web content that changes based on the behavior of the user. For example, when the sidebar ads stop mentioning nearby marriage counselors and begin alerting you to hot singles in your area, it usually signals a change in the user’s search history relevant to his personal life.

Paradigm-shifting
Used arbitrarily and incorrectly to describe an unoriginal train of thought with hardly a degree of separation from its root foundation. Sort of like how Alanis Morrissette wrote “Ironic” without looking up the word’s definition and everything she sang about was actually just mildly unfortunate.

QR code
This matrix-style barcode designed for the Japanese automotive industry in the mid-’90s is helps consumers recognize how out of touch a company is with its base.

Search engine optimization
Paying someone for a service to fix a problem that wasn’t affecting you in the least, usually involving various methods of appeasing the Google gods through keywords, redesigns, animal sacrifices and writing blogs nobody reads.