Dentally Incorrect

Like it or not, millennials have teeth; they’re bound to come into your office. While technology has advanced wonderfully, marketing lags—first rebounding from the rejection of old methods, absorbing the new meta, then using it to attract the intended audience—albeit too late. What we’re saying is: It’s pointless. But “pointless” is a millennial platform, so we’re on the right track! (And if you’re wondering what “meta” is ... keep wondering.) Here are five tips from our millennial marketing team—and we’re almost sure they weren’t being ironic.

Be social-media worthy. Take a selfie on Snapchat—but be sure to add that rainbow throw-up animation along with the caption: “This new piña colada-flavored fluoride polish is lit, fam! Come see us instead of writing that paper!”

Instant responses = instant conversions. Millennials don’t wait for things; they live in a world in which Amazon renewed work serfdom so people could get things the same day they ordered them. In fact, don’t even wait to respond—be ahead of the game. Message randoms and ask to see their mouths.

The patient is the star! Millennials like to relate to the brand, so make them part of yours! When you’ve got a new patient coming into the office, make T-shirts with his/her photo on it for the team to wear during the appointment. That’ll work out well. ...

Inundate with information. If you thought that boomers were bad with their “I read it on Google,” then you’ve never treated a millennial who’s convinced that his Reddit research trumps your degree. The trick is to stop practicing and spend all your time creating online content about what you used to do and become the very source a potential patient cites when he wants you to treat them. But the joke’s on him—you quit three years ago!

Appeal to their values. Don’t stick to your old-school modernisms, curmudgeon! Millennials are already transitioning out of the once-popular postmodernism that permeated a wholesome, nonironic enthusiasm for living. “Meh” and the inescapable nihilism of “whatever” is the newest slowly sinking boat to jump on. Try an ad campaign that encapsulates, “At least when global warming kills us, all my teeth will be fire, too!”

Humor with bite...