Dentally Incorrect

Keep the Kids Busy

Depending on a variety of factors, summer can be a blessing or a curse. For dentists who aren’t parents, or those whose children have vacated the domicile, summer is usually the former. You can stop reading. But for the rest, who are now faced with the terrible burden of keeping your zygote safely occupied until school starts up again, we’ve compiled a short list of ways to do it without touching too much of the budget.

Entrepreneur, extortion ... same difference
While this politically correct world looks at lemonade stands with increasing scrutiny, there are some loopholes to getting your kid to make a buck one cup at a time without legal troubles. If a permit is required, they’re like, super-easy to forge. If you want a legit one (because you’re that level of doofus), the state will need to inspect the kitchen where the product is made. You literally have an area in your practice called “sterilization.” So park that dollop of adorableness out in the waiting room with a crayon-scribbled sign that reads “Lemon-Flavored Courage Juice” and increase your cash flow.

Survive, Adapt, Overcome
These days, “true bravery” is leaving the house when your phone has 10% battery life. What happened to us? Remember playing outside when you were a kid? Your parents had no idea where you were or what you were up to! You turned out fine, and only a few of us ever went missing. Let’s return to those roots: Much like the 1987 novel Hatchet—required reading in a lot of schools, where a 13-year-old boy must survive in the Canadian wilderness with only a hatchet—prepare your children for the perils of the world by releasing them into the local park with nothing but some forceps and a pack of floss. Pick them up the next morning.

A child’s honesty
Comedian John Mulaney’s point about the truth-telling skills of kids is on point. “They terrify me to this day because eighth graders will make fun of you, but in an accurate way. They will get to the thing that you don’t like about you.” Use this naive moment in their lives to turn them into the best treatment coordinator in the office. Imagine a bubbly, bouncing toddler scooting into the operatory in a doctor’s coat dragging behind her, holding an X-ray upside-down, making a disgusted face, and telling the patient, “Eww. It’s all yellow and ugly. Fix all this because it’s yucky.” Are you ready for treatment acceptance to skyrocket? Because it will.