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  1. “When I die, I want to die like my grandfather––who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.” —Author Unknown
  2. Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.” —Author Unknown
  3. “Oh, you hate your job? Why didn’t you say so? There’s a support group for that. It’s called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.” —Drew Carey
  4. “The problem with the designated driver program, it’s not a desirable job, but if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house.” —Jeff Foxworthy
  5. “If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.” —Dave Barry
  6. “Relationships are hard. It’s like a full-time job, and we should treat it like one. If your boyfriend or girlfriend wants to leave you, they should give you two weeks’ notice. There should be severance pay, and the day before they leave you, they should have to find you a temp.” —Bob Ettinger
  7. “My mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’” —Paula Poundstone
  8. “A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: ‘Duh.’” —Conan O’Brien
  9. “Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my gosh...I could be eating a slow learner.” —Lynda Montgomery
  10. “I think that’s how Chicago got started; A bunch of people in New York said, “Gee, I’m enjoying the crime and the poverty, but it just isn’t cold enough. Let’s go west.” —Richard Jeni
  11. “If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.” —Johnny Carson
  12. “Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.” —Paul Rodriguez
  13. “My parents didn’t want to move to Florida, but they turned 60 and that’s the law.”—Jerry Seinfeld
  14. “Remember in elementary school, you were told that in case of fire you have to line up quietly in a single-file line from smallest to tallest. What is the logic in that? What, do tall people burn slower?” —Warren Hutcherson
  15. “Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Congress...but I repeat myself.” —Mark Twain
  16. “Do you know why they call it ‘PMS?’ Because ‘Mad Cow Disease’ was taken.” —Unknown, presumed deceased
  17. “You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look that says, ‘My gosh, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’” —Dave Barry
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