Dentally Incorrect

Here’s a look at some “good for the whole year because—why not? we made it up anyway” horoscopes we gleaned from looking sideways at a saliva-covered crystal ball we found in the back of Dr. Howard Farran’s office. We’re not putting the dates of each sign, so if you don’t know which one you are, just go with what you feel.

Aquarius
Meet your opponent halfway. Seriously, you need the exercise.

Pisces
Sometimes travel to new places leads to great transformation. But be sure to drink only bottled water while you’re there, because it could also lead to a 12-day parasite cleanse.

Aries
Rest has a peaceful effect on your physical and emotional health—but a punching bag wouldn’t be a bad investment either.

Taurus
Lending your money to a friend is a good way to lose a friend. Instead, sympathize without giving up your cash by saying things like, “Dude, that sucks!”

Gemini
You’ll be rewarded for your patience and understanding ... maybe. Probably not, though—so after, say, June, try impatience and ignorance and let us know how it checks out.

Cancer
Your problems sometimes can turn into stepping stones. Use them to run away faster.

Leo
Don’t do or do not. There is a definitely a try.

Virgo
Let this year be the year you let your imagination wander. Wait—don’t wander there. Stop! You’re sick, you hear me?! Sick!

Libra
Remember: The important thing is to never stop questioning. Just don’t ask us why. You’ll have to trust us. So, maybe the more important thing here is to trust us.

Scorpio
You probably left the garage door open again. Go back and check.

Sagittarius
Be prepared: A large fortune will descend upon you this year. You could win the lottery. You could be crushed by a solid gold piano. Keep your head on a swivel.

Capricorn
Your secret desire to completely change your life will manifest in a way you probably expected all along: immense disappointment.