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  1. Page yourself over the intercom. (Don’t disguise your voice.)
  2. Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is a different gender than you are.)
  3. Make up nicknames for all your coworkers and refer to them only by these names. “That’s a good point, Sparky.” “No, I’m sorry I’m going to have to disagree with you there, Sport.”
  4. “Hi-lite” your shoes. Tell people that you haven’t lost your shoes since you did this.
  5. Put mosquito netting around your cubicle. Play a tape of jungle sounds all day.
  6. Put a chair facing a printer, sit there all day and tell people you’re waiting for your document.
  7. Arrive at a meeting late, say you’re sorry, but you didn’t have time for lunch, and you’re going to be nibbling during the meeting. During the meeting eat five entire raw potatoes.
  8. Insist that your e-mail address be: zena_goddess_of_fire@companyname.com or Elvis_the_King@companyname.com
  9. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask him or her if they want fries with that.
  10. Send e-mail to yourself engaging yourself in an intelligent debate about the direction of one of your company’s products. Forward the mail to a co-worker and ask her to settle the disagreement.
  11. Encourage your colleagues to join you in a little synchronized chair dancing.
  12. Put your garbage can on your desk. Label it “IN.”
  13. Determine how many cups of coffee are “too many.”
  14. Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.
  15. Decorate your office with pictures of Cindy Brady and Danny Partridge. Try to pass them off as your children.
  16. For a relaxing break, get away from it all with a mask and snorkel in the fish tank. If no one notices, take out your snorkel and see how many you can catch in your mouth.
  17. Send e-mail messages saying free pizza, free donuts, etc. in the lunchroom. When people complain that there was none, lean back, pat your stomach, and say, “Oh, you’ve got to be faster than that.”
  18. Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire work area. Insist to others that you like it that way.
  19. Put decaf in the coffee maker for three weeks. Once everyone has gotten over his or her caffeine addiction, switch to espresso.
  20. Reply to everything someone says with, “That’s what you think.”
  21. Dont use any punctuation
  22. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.
  23. Specify that your drive-through order is “to go.”
  24. Call the psychic hotline and don’t say anything.
  25. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hairdryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.
  26. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can’t attend their party because you’re not in the mood.
  27. Have your coworkers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Hard.
  28. When the money comes out of the ATM, scream “I Won! I Won! Third time this week!”
  29. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, “Run for your lives, they’re loose!”
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September 2025
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