Dentally Incorrect



Step 1. Know thy entree
The average turkey will have roughly six thousand feathers. Count them. Make sure you're dealing with a gobbler. If results remain inconclusive, draw an outline of your hand on a piece of construction paper, turn the fingers into feathers and add a beak and beard to the thumb area. If this resembles the bird in front of you, proceed to catch. If you want to buy it at the grocery store instead of doing the deed yourself, we offer a suggestion. From an experience that makes us nauseous at the sight of yams, we recommend you double (triple) check the expiration date pre-purchase.

Step 2. Preparation
Now that the feathered-foe has been slain, it's time to prep. All 6,000 feathers have to come out. Autoclave it. Sure it'll fit. Once scalded and sanitized to FDA regulations, the feathers will be easier to pull than a loose tooth. Strap the now-featherless, forevermore flapless bird in the operatory chair and get to work on cleaning out the innards. Cheek retractors work wonders, spoon excavators were designed for this and don't deny the power of the water spray to really flush things out. Intra-turkey-orifice scan optional.

Step 3. Recipe planning
Cook time: 2 hours 30 minutes give or take all day Yields: 8-10 serving; 1-2 if it falls on the floor in front of the family dog.

Ingredients
  • (1) Turkey
  • 1 cup kosher salt
  • ½ cup xylitol sweetener
  • 1 gallon peppermint mouthwash
  • 4 sprigs rosemary
  • 1 tablespoon black peppercorns
Step 4. Eat
You'll figure this one out on your own. You don't need our help. Every bird has got to leave the nest sooner or later.
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Sally Gross, Member Services Specialist
Phone: +1-480-445-9710
Email: sally@farranmedia.com
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