Dentally Incorrect

Jimmy tried to change the bird’s attitude by constantly saying polite words, playing soft music...anything he could think of. Nothing worked. He yelled at the bird, and the bird got worse. He shook the bird, and the bird got more and more rude.

Finally, in a moment of desperation, Jimmy put the parrot in the freezer. For a few moments he heard the bird swearing, squawking, kicking, and screaming and then, suddenly, there was absolute quiet. Jimmy was frightened that he might have actually hurt the bird, killed the bird, and quickly opened the freezer door. The parrot calmly stepped out onto Jimmy’s extended arm and said, “I’m sorry that I offended you with my language and my actions, and I beg your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior.”

Jimmy was astounded at the changes in the bird’s attitude and was about to ask what had changed him, when the parrot continued, “By the way, may I ask what exactly the chicken did?”

The Little Old Lady & the Doctor
A little old lady goes to the doctor and says, “Doctor I have this problem with gas, but it really doesn’t bother me too much. My gas never smells and is always silent. As a matter of fact, I’ve passed gas at least 20 times since I’ve been here in your office. You didn’t know I was passing gas because it doesn’t smell and is silent.” The doctor says, “I see, take these pills and come back to see me next week.” The next week the lady comes back. “Doctor,” she says, “I don’t know what you gave me, but now my gas, although still silent, stinks terribly.” The doctor says, “Good! Now that we’ve cleared up your sinuses, let’s work on your hearing.

Wedded Bliss
You have two choices in life:

You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.

At the cocktail party, one woman said to another, “Aren’t you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?” The other women replied, “Yes I am, I married the wrong man.”

After a quarrel, a husband said to his wife, “You know, I was a fool when I married you.” She replied, “Yes dear, but I was in love and didn’t notice.”

A lady inserted an ad in the classifieds: “Husband wanted.” Next day she received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: “You can have mine.”

When a woman steals your husband, there is no better revenge than to let her keep him.

Man is incomplete until he is married. Then he is finished.

A woman was telling her friend, “It is I who made my husband a millionaire.” “And what was he before you married him?” asked the friend. The woman replied, “A billionaire.”

Marriage is the triumph of imagination over intelligence. A second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience.

First guy (proudly): “My wife’s an angel! “ Second guy: “You’re lucky, mine’s still alive.”

Women will never be equal to men until they can walk down the street with a baldhead and a beer gut, and still think they are beautiful.