“Please pay close attention as we have to update the choices often as new and unusual circumstances arise. Please select one of the following options:

“To whine about us not doing anything to solve a problem you created for yourself, press 1.

“To postulate whether someone has to die before we’ll do something about a problem, press 2.

“To report an officer for bad manners, when in reality the officer is trying to keep your neighborhood safe, press 3.

“If you would like us to raise your children, press 4.

“If you would like us to take control of your life due to your alcoholic or chemical dependency, press 5.

“If you would like us to instantly restore order to a situation that took years to deteriorate, press 6.

“To provide a list of police officers you personally know so we will not take enforcement action against you, press 7.

“To sue us, tell us you’ll have our badge, or proclaim our career is over, press 8.

“To hear a list of officers who still give a crap after years of taking your crap, press 9.

“To hear this menu again, wrap aluminum foil around your head, turn around three times and press 10.”

Behind Door Number 1...
An Amish boy and his father were in a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again. The boy asked, “What is this Father?”

The father (never having seen an elevator) responded, “Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don’t know what it is.”

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, an old lady in a wheel chair moved up to the moving walls and pressed a button.

The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order.

Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous 24-year-old blonde stepped out. The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, said quietly to his son, “Go get your mother.”