Great Truths About Life Children Have Learned
1) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don’t let her brush your hair.
2) If your sister hits you, don’t hit her back. They always catch the second person.
3) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
4) You can’t trust dogs to watch your food.
5) Don’t sneeze when someone is cutting your hair.
6) Never hold a hand-held vacuum and a cat at the same time.
7) You can’t hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
8) Don’t wear polka-dot underwear with white shorts.
9) The best place to be when you’re sad is Grandpa’s lap.

Great Truths About Life Adults Have Learned
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jell-O to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don’t hurt.
3) Families are like fudge…mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today’s mighty oak is just yesterday’s nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It’s like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the joy.

Great Truths About Growing Old
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you’re down there.
3) You’re getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
4) It’s frustrating when you know all the answers, but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
5) Time may be a great healer, but it’s a lousy beautician.
6) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.

On arresting mother…
A police recruit was asked during the exam, “What would you do if you had to arrest your own mother?” He said, “Call for backup.”

No Male Pallbearers
An elderly woman died last month. Having never married, she requested no male pallbearers. In her handwritten instructions for her memorial service, she wrote, “They wouldn’t take me out while I was alive, I don’t want them to take me out when I’m dead.”

Brides Wear White, Grooms Wear Black
Attending a wedding for the first time, a little girl whispered to her mother, “Why is the bride dressed in white?” “Because white is the color of happiness, and today is the happiest day of her life.” The child thought about this for a moment, then said, “So why is the groom wearing black?”

     "Off The Chart"