A Redefined Relationship by Dr. Whitney D. Weiner

Mentorship: If you close your eyes and visualize this word, what do you see? My mind conjures the image of a teacher and a student—a formal relationship that has a definite hierarchy, in which the teacher imparts his or her expertise to the student.

Now take a minute to picture this scenario with you in it: Which of the two roles do you see yourself occupying? In such a traditionally defined mentor/mentee relationship, my role typically has been the one on the receiving end of knowledge—a metaphorical sponge, if you will, trying to soak up as much wisdom as possible from a more seasoned mentor.

But in the real world today, the line between mentor and mentee is blurring; the knowledge stream has become more fluid, and that one-way transfer of knowledge from mentor to mentee is changing. Nowadays, the relationship has become more symbiotic, where wisdom is not imparted by just one person, but rather shared between parties. Ideally, we learn from each other and collectively prosper.

In dentistry, this shift in educational format can be seen in a move away from rote memorization and toward problem-based learning. (Yes, we still have to make multiple passes through the dental decks to ensure we know enough to pass the boards, but the real-world knowledge is coming more and more through case-based learning.) The historic, somewhat dictatorial approach to education is becoming one that's more pragmatic, with an increasing emphasis on students learning from their peers. We're in the era of innovation, of challenging boundaries, of no longer simply asking, "Why?" but instead questioning, "Why not?"

This is the backbone of "the American dream"—anything is possible. Popular shows like Shark Tank make us all believe that we could have the Next Great Idea, and it no longer has to be a cure for cancer or a solution for world peace; it could be as simple as a sponge roller that lets users wake up with gorgeously curled hair, saving 10 minutes of prep time in the morning. (Moms, in particular, appreciate what a game-changer those extra minutes can be.) The goal is no longer to milk every piece of coveted information out of the smartest person in the room, but rather to strive for collaborative learning with colleagues.

As a millennial somewhat new to the world of private practice, I understand how difficult it can be to feel like we're on the same playing field as our historically defined "mentors"— mononymous pioneers like Buser, Tarnow and Kois whose names are as recognizable in our microcosmic dental world as Beyoncé, Prince and Britney. I understand the courage it takes to reach out to the greats in our field and ask for help. I've done it, and there is great value in learning from the experts, but I'm suggesting that we also can shift the mentor/mentee relationship away from exclusive reliance on the teacher/student model, so that it also includes a peer-based collaborative approach.

I'd like to reflect on a few lessons I've learned from my mentors, to pose some questions that challenge the typical mentor/mentee relationship, and to try to illustrate how a collaborative approach benefits all. Here are 10 critical points that I believe a "mentorlike relationship" must acknowledge:

Respect boundaries— but don't be afraid to ask for help.
We live in the generation of "now," and amid social media, instantaneous email push and text messaging, it can seem impossible to unplug. Most successful people—including Type A dentists!—like order and are stretched for time, so be explicit with your goals and open about the probable time commitment when you're recruiting a mentor. Yes, we're all passionate about our profession … but we have lives and families, too. Your mentors will appreciate your respect for their time.

Seek out brutal honesty (maybe minus the "brutal").
Constructive criticism is vital for growth. I know that being told that you can do better is hard; this constant push permeated my three years in residency in Chicago, where it seemed the faculty would challenge us at every opportunity. (Picture the movie Unbreakable—except, well, I broke, then stood up, then broke again, then stood up again, on repeat.)

It was difficult to see at the time, but I now understand how this coaching shaped me into the surgeon I am today. My main sculptor was program director Dr. Saba Khan, who pushed me every day to do better and work harder. No matter how precise I felt an implant placement or sinus lift was, Khan challenged me to do better, pointing out that the angulation of an implant was off by 5?degrees, or that I could have finished faster. These things didn't affect the patient's final treatment outcome, but she was helping me develop and hone my surgical skills, teaching me to strive for perfection and never accept "good enough."

Do you have a Dr. Khan in your life—someone who doesn't let you settle and constantly challenges you to improve? If not, I implore you to find one, because thanks to her (and to my mother, Dr. Wendy Dunn), "good enough" isn't an acceptable outcome in my eyes.

See one, do one, teach one.
This was the foundation of my clinical education: Student becomes teacher. As Steven Spielberg said, "The delicate balance of mentoring someone is not creating them in your own image, but giving them the opportunity to create themselves." Great mentors will help you become the best version of you, not a carbon copy of themselves. Have you had a great mentor who's taught you priceless skills that you now can pass on to a future mentee? Pay it forward.

"Wax on, wax off."
Don't be dismissive if, early on, your mentor gives you tasks that you consider a waste of your time. You'll be shocked at how many people in your life will "Miyagi" you—teaching you something new at that very moment. During my residency, we were required to do our own scaling and root planning … which I thought was a waste of time. I was there to become a surgeon, not to scale teeth! I'd complain and try to farm out these cases, but what I didn't realize was that I wasn't just "cleaning teeth," I was learning about soft-tissue health and healing times, about the importance of maintenance and optimal oral hygiene, and about how risk factors like smoking and diabetes contribute to overall outcome.

(A special thank-you to Drs. David Gaston, Daniel Greenberg and Michael Schmerman for putting up with three years of my disdain for nonsurgical therapy and "Miyagi-ing" me, teaching the foundations of "Perio 101" with each root surface that I scaled, despite my protests.)

Trust no one ... more than yourself, that is.
Any healthy relationship is based on trust … and haven't we all been burned at least once? Such as trusting a colleague to support us, who instead violates confidentiality, or worse, trusting in someone's word, only to have the person renege and hang you out to dry. I've been there—more than once. When seeking mentor relationships, be trusting, but also be careful. As an optimist-turned-realist, I've learned the hard way to keep some things guarded. Finding a mentor who's an objective third party, with no stake in an idea or motivation to steal intellectual property, is essential. Mentors should be trusted advisors who truly have your best interests at heart. No one person will have all the answers you're looking for, so seek a board of advisors with different backgrounds and experiences that you can draw from.

"Go-o-o-o … you!"
We all need cheerleaders, and it's critical that your mentors are your biggest advocates. I was fortunate that my family was my own virtual cheer squad throughout my journey. Case in point: When I was living and practicing in Australia, my father-in-law connected me with a periodontist in the metro Detroit area who offered to help me find my first position in Michigan. This periodontist took it upon himself to send my résumé to all the major players in town, and vouched for me after we'd met only briefly, via Skype. He had no personal gain in doing this—he wasn't ready to retire or look for an associate, he was just a great man with a huge heart wanting to help the next generation. (He and his wife have since become close friends and role models. Thank you, Dr. Jim and Stephanie Austin.)

One such match Austin made was with Dr. Robert DiPilla, a cosmetic dentist guru who gave me my first job in Michigan treating patients at his two boutique practices. Sure, you could say that DiPilla helped me because it helped his brand to have an in-house specialist, but that couldn't be further from the truth. I was always upfront with him about my goal to run my own private practice, and he made it known that he'd work with me wherever I would land. Now as I make the move to owning my own practice, he's my biggest advocate, pushing me to do what's best for me and my family, even if it's not in his best interest. People like this make me respect our profession and remind me that not everyone's in it just for self-gain. As dentists, we are a fraternity (or sorority!) of sorts, and camaraderie is what makes dentistry a profession to be proud of.

Find knowledge where you least expect it.
Although learning from mentors is important, some of the best lessons we can learn come from our "equals." It's essential to celebrate and lift our peers, instead of seeing them only as competition. Connections are everything, and you never know who's going to have a critical "in" that you need, or perhaps even going to be your future partner!

Some of my strongest mentorships have developed with peers in study clubs. Are you a member of a study club? If not, find one whose core interests mirror your own: Are you looking to meet monthly with other local dentists in the area to review difficult cases presented in your office, in hopes for guidance on how to proceed? Or are you wanting a group with a more global approach to our profession that covers topics ranging from practice management to financial planning?

Whatever your interests, I assure you there's a club for you. And you don't have to settle for just one—right now I'm the periodontal specialist in three study clubs, I consult with Dentsply professionals working in product development, and I'm a specialist moderator for a closed Facebook group for dental hygienists. I get something different out of every group and love being a part of such diverse ones.

Look for the "we."
We all know the professors and businesspeople who love to say "I." My advice: Steer clear of the "I's" and seek out the "we's"—the leaders and advisors who'd rather give credit than receive it. Give more credit; take less. Winston Churchill put it beautifully when he said, "We make a living by what we get; we make a life by what we give." (There's no greater example of this then my father, Greg Dunn, who challenges me to do something nice for myself every day and gives joy to anyone who makes his acquaintance.)

Step outside your comfort zone.
It's human nature to do what's comfortable. Put yourself out there! Don't be afraid to share your failures and challenges in addition to your successes; we learn from both. Closed blogs and private forums allow us to ask the questions we may be afraid to pose within our local study club or close-knit network.

One of my favorite "safe" places, Dentaltown forums, provides an incredible wealth of information. The message boards receive millions of hits each month because Townies feel safe posting about anything from patient management issues to how to treatment-plan the most difficult cases – and every specialty is covered! Groups like these are excellent ways to vet a question and gain some feedback nearly instantaneously. Even better—if you're really shy, create an unaffiliated username to remain anonymous.

Pay it forward.
This is my favorite saying, and a concept I learned from my parents early on, before it was en vogue: They'd secretly, anonymously buy dinners for couples they saw at restaurants, noting, "We hope it makes their night, because doing so makes ours."

How can you pay it forward, even if not anonymously?

• Take a dental student or new graduate under your wing to mentor him or her.
• Treat a student to dinner. (A special thank-you to Dr. Martin Kolinski: I'll never forget the dinners at Chicago Cut during residency, when steak never tasted so good!)
• Do a case pro bono for a patient who needs to catch a break.
• Surprise your staff with lunch or concert tickets to say thanks for being the heartbeat of the office.

Whatever your way is to give back to others in our field, I applaud you. And to the millennials reading this: Never be scared to ask for help—or to offer it. You'll be surprised at the degree to which you can be both a mentor and a mentee, and how much more interesting your professional life will become as the result.

Apply today to become a Dentaltown mentor!
Dentaltown's mentorship program is designed to strengthen relationships within the Townie community while providing individualized attention to new dentists. Discover more and apply at dentaltown.com/be-a-mentor.