Recently while doing Internet research on dental plans, I entered an intriguing domain name and soon found myself in a new and strange cyber place. The more I clicked the more curious and confused I became.
Finally, I chose to punt and hit the Chat button for assistance:
“Hello, my name is Dolly. How may I be of assistance?”
“Hello Dolly, well, hello Dolly, it’s so nice to have you back where you belong,” I typed. The only response was crickets so apparently this Dolly wasn’t a fan of Broadway tunes.
Unfazed, I continued, “I was just checking out some of your plans, and I’m afraid I’m a little confused.”
“That’s okay, sir; I’ll be happy to help. May I ask what kind of plan you are looking for?”
“I’m researching different types of dental plans, and I have to admit, you’ve got a few I’ve never seen before.”
“What plans were you looking at?” she asked.
“Well, for example, I see you have a plan called “Hollywood” that covers dental implants and other cosmetic procedures. The premium seems reasonable, the copays are fair, and I see there’s no waiting period.”
“Yes, sir. In addition to implants the Hollywood plan covers veneers, bonding and professional teeth whitening.”
“Sounds like a pretty good plan. Does it have a deductible? “
“Yes, sir. It’s $10,000, sir.”
”$10,000?!” I typed furiously, hoping my incredulity was translated in “text-speak.”
“Yes sir. But you only have to pay it once.” Scratching my head, I wondered if Dolly was quoting me an insurance exchange healthcare plan…and maybe a timeshare at a popular resort.
“Geez, I should hope the $10,000 deductible is one time only. So it’s a lifetime deductible?”
“Not exactly,” she hedged.
“So you pay the deductible once a year?”
“Yes sir, unless it’s Leap Year, then you pay it twice.”
“What? Why would you pay it twice on Leap Year?” I typed.
“To cover the administrative fees for providing you coverage an extra day every four years,” she replied.
“But, but that doesn’t make any sense?” I typed.
“We have no control over Leap Year, sir.”
Baffled, I decided to give up understanding the Hollywood plan and move on to the next one I was investigating.
“What about this “Mad Hatter” plan? How does that work?”
“Our Mad Hatter plan is very popular, sir. It covers any kind of dental procedure, as long as you stay in network.”
“So it’s an HMO?”
“No, sir, it’s an indemnity plan.”
“Really? An indemnity plan with a network?”
“Yes, sir. It’s like a traditional indemnity plan, as long as you stay within the network.”
“But traditional indemnity plans don’t have any networks,” I pointed out.
“Exactly,” she replied.
The minor headache I had when first hitting the Chat button was spreading fast but I plowed ahead.
“Okay, so what about the deductible?” I asked.
“Oh, it doesn’t have one,” she said proudly.
‘Good. So how long is the waiting period on major procedures?”
“Ten years.”
“I’m sorry; we must have a bad pixel connection. You mean the waiting period for major procedures is 10 months?”
“No sir; i-t-‘s 1-0 y-e-a-r-s,” she typed out letter by letter like I had a chronic case of brain freeze.
“TEN YEARS!” I typed in all caps. “What kind of plan has a waiting period that long?”
“The Mad Hatter plan, sir.”
Suddenly my ears were ringing and my eyes were having trouble focusing but I continued, thinking no sacrifice is too great for our readers.
“Okay, may I ask about one more plan?”
“Certainly sir,” she typed.
“What is the “Cockamamy” plan?”
“Oh, it’s our best selling plan,” she enthused.
“Okay.” Knowing better and ready to smash my head on my desk, I entered, “Why is it your most popular plan?”
“Well, sir, the Cockamamy has no deductible, no waiting periods, no annual maximum out-of-pocket, no copays, and the premium is only $20 a month.”
“Does it have a network?”
“Yes, sir, but it’s a flexible network.”
“A flexible network? You mean there are lots of participating dentists?”
“Uh, no sir. I mean the dentist in the network is very flexible as to when he’ll see you – morning, afternoon, or night.”
“You said dentist as in singular? There’s only one dentist in the network?”
“Yes sir, but as I said, he’s extremely flexible.”
“Uh, huh,” I typed using what I hoped was the Dubious font. “So if there’s just one dentist in the Cockamamy plan network, where is he located?
“Brisbane, sir.”
“Brisbane, California?”
“No, sir; Brisbane, Australia.”
“Excuse me,” I typed, “but what kind of dental insurance can be used outside the U.S and the International Date Line?’
“Why ours, sir!”
“Dolly, this has been very interesting – and unforgettable. Now I understand why you guys have that catchy company name: The Island of Misfit Dental Plans.”
“Why thank you sir. I’ll be happy to pass that on to our management and our owner, Mr. Moonracer. “
“Thank you. Now, good-bye Dolly, it’s so nice to have you and your other dental plans away from here where they belong…”
We’ll leave the insanely high deductible, when-Hades-freezes-over waiting periods and fiber optic thin network dental plans to Misfit Dental Plans ‘R Us. For affordable and practical dental plans available in your area, click here.
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